This has been a journey and I am not sure which has been the most rewarding. Knowing that I have evaded a deadly fate or being able to share my personal experience. Vulnerability is not something I do well, I am now in the point of this journey where the physical is taken care of now the emotional and mental is something I need to fight.
Physically, I have now had 2 surgeries. I have had a double mastectomy and reconstruction (my first post) and 96 days later (yes you have to wait at least 96 days between surgeries) nipple reconstruction and fat grafting. What that all means is I have skin that was formed to look like nipples and liposuction of one area to add around the implants to make them look more realistic. (Pictures will be posted at the end). I cannot believe that after two surgeries I feel like I have added years to my life. It has been something that really eased my mind.
Mentally, I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety, severe depression and PTSD. When I look back at decisions I have made I now have realized (thanks to the help of professionals) it all correlated with low self-esteem. These pictures are hard for me to show because I am not comfortable with my body and I really never have been. I have a hard time but I am hoping to help someone understand and feel better about the choice they are making. Even with the mental health issues I have, I have never doubted that this was the right choice for me to make. I am grateful for my mom’s sacrifice and for her taking the time and money to get genetic testing so I (hopefully) have a longer time with my family.
Family and friends are a main reason I need to deal with the emotional baggage that came along with my mom’s passing and the issues that have surfaced since then. I have never felt good enough, I have never felt like I was someone that stood out or that was worthy of time or attention. Those feelings have all surfaced more and more since my mom has passed. There were a lot of things that went down before and after her passing that have left me with a lot of “memories” (in quotes because all memories a re subject and with my diagnosis are a little distorted) to work through but I will tell you continuously to ask and seek help. I was recently chatting with my dad, whom I love dearly, but does not believe in mental health disorders. He did, however, share that reaching out and talking with someone was the best decision my mom and him ever made when she got sick. This not a whoa is me post but an honest sharing of what happens to those that are left behind when a loved one passes away. I have a loving immediate family and a great group of friends and family for support if I asked (which I do not do often…another reason why I see a counselor.) My husband is a FANTASTIC support system and so are the people I am close to. I know I am lucky and should be more grateful for all I have but I get stuck in the negatives far too often and that is why mental health is such a difficult thing to deal with.
My final thoughts: take care of your mind and body and realize you are doing the best you can. Not everyone will agree with your choices and actions but you are the one that lives with your decisions. OWN THEM! Not all that easy to do; I work on accepting myself and the decisions I make and have made daily. All that we can do is try and trust 🙂
mylife...alittleadventure 